Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
