Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I want a musical about memes.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
