Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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