I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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