I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
