He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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