Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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