i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
