You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
