Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
40s are totally the cure
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
