I want to make a zoo with you.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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