we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
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