fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
