There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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