You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I just forgot I was standing up.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
