This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
