my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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