How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
