Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
