I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
