FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
