It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
