You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
