Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
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