Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
