Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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