May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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