I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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