On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
