i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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