I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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