She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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