If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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