i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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