Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
