guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
