I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
