I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
