if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
