I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
