So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
