Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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