Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
