One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
