Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
