he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
