Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
