So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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