My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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