Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
